Life is Wondrous Madness

It's been an odd sort of day. I have one of those between-the-eyes headaches, probably from being up with little Miss Gracie in the wee hours. Claira has dressed herself head to toe in clothes that are somehow the exact same shade of Pepto-Bismol pink. I don't even like the color pink, so how is this possible? And Grace is walking around with one sparkly red shoe on, and is systematically emptying the contents of pretty much everything. Beth Orton is playing on my iphone, and my girls are decapitating Lego mini-figures.

And I'm writing, clinging to the keyboard of the laptop I stole from my husband, carving our stories and worlds on blank white screens where once there was nothing. I'm a writer. I write. And I'm learning to write honestly, to push my reader brain out of the picture and let my writer heart take over. It's hard, doing that. It's hard telling the reader part of me, "You know a lot, but you don't know THIS." It's even harder telling the writer part of me that sometimes it has to hush itself and be still, because there's another story unfolding. The one I'm living.

And it's all so precarious, this balancing of lives. Sometimes I want to knock it all down on purpose, crash myself so I can rebuild myself stronger. But there's a line between me and mine, and I can't crash without crashing them too.

So I muddle through, and sometimes it's head-hurting hard, and sometimes it's heart-singing wonderful. I remind myself that I love rollercoasters, the steady climbs and the anticipation of the quick falls. The thrill of it, and the quiet waiting-in-line times, knowing the awesomeness that is soon to come. Because I don't want stable. Not really. I want crazy, messy, and unexpected. I don't need control, I need LIFE.

My little girls have dropped their Lego and are dancing now, reckless and wild, reminding me how lucky I am. Deep down I want a crazy life and I've got one. And it's FANTASTIC when I choose to let it be.

VanderVision Tip of the Day: Sometimes we think we want things, things we think will make us happy. Maybe we want control, or maybe we want to give it up. Maybe we want quiet, when everything in us screams to be loud. And sometimes we want conflicting things at the same time, and we can hardly bear to make sense of ourselves. Life is crazy, chaotic, and above all, it doesn't have to make sense to be awesome.

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