Reminder of the Choice

Sometimes life is hard because of the pieces it's made out of. There are pieces of loss, and pieces of that-hurts-so-so-much. There are pieces of not-enough, and if-only, and oh-no-not-again.

And sometimes life is hard because of how you put the pieces together, and how you see them and feel them. It can be about the but-I-want-this and it-is-easier-for-her, and why-can-I-not-be-that, and why-do-I-try.

I have more good in my life right now than I have EVER had. The pieces I am putting together are lovely, joyful, soul-satisfying, love-breeding. And the way I see them is sweetly. I feel gratitude for every single piece. Even the hard ones. Even the ones that make me whimper and wonder why-does-it-have-to-be-THAT.

Because I know He's making me into something I can't understand. I understand that I can not understand. And I'm okay with that. Because I know my vision is a narrow thing, further obscured by the darkness I sometimes invite into my thoughts, my heart, my life.

But even knowing all that, even though I am beginning to grasp at the edges of this vastness, this complicated fitting-together of pieces that form my life as I am living it, things are hard. I'm weary. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I sleep too little, and what little sleep I get it fitful. I yell more than I should and I laugh less than I want to. I waste time. I flake out on people. I embrace fear. I make stupid choices. I get angry with myself because so often I stop. Or I hide. Or I quit.

I stop building. I stop living. Even though my pieces are AMAZING. Dare I say, awesome?

That's the part that is TRULY amazing. That the pieces we build our life out of are not themselves predictors of our happiness. I am happier than others who have more than me. I am miserable compared to others who have so much less. It's a cheesy old line, but it holds true that happiness is a choice, and sometimes we forget to choose it.

VanderVision Tip of the Day: CHOOSE IT.


  1. it mystifies me how many people do not understand that happiness is a choice . . . it's like Sister Hinckely always said: “The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.”
    it's all ABOUT the choices! :)

  2. I love that it's a choice... even though so often I end up choosing the wrong thing. :( Whoops. But I'm with you 100%. God gives us a gift -- the right to choose. And that doesn't just mean what we wear or eat. He gives us the right to choose to be happy. I love that.

  3. You echo my thoughts probably more than any other person I've met. And you should know, I am so, so grateful for you. So grateful.