I've had a lot of space and time to feel things lately. First the days in the hospital, then the days at home on the couch. Major su...

All the Feels All the Feels

All the Feels

All the Feels



I've had a lot of space and time to feel things lately. First the days in the hospital, then the days at home on the couch. Major surgery kinda sucks. But even worse is the after time, when all you can do is lie there and try to keep your mind busy in ways that don't make you miserable. But my mind hasn't had time to be miserable yet. Because there have been emails and facebook messages and tweets and texts, full of concern and how-are-yous and what-can-I-do's.

I'm kind of scared that on the other side of feeling SO DANG LOVED, there's sorrow and what-have-I-done? waiting for me. And I tell myself it had to be this way. My body was broken and I had to let my baby-making years go. The surgeon said things were even worse than she'd thought, that it was no wonder I'd been hurting so much. Which was lovely and validating but also sad. Things are going to be better now. Less pain. More function. More life and more happy.

But also sad. For a while anyway. Because losing something is always hard, even if losing it is the best thing ever.

So I have ALL THE FEELS right now. Some of them bright and vivid, churning across the surface of my thoughts. Some of them hidden, lurking, waiting to pounce. It can't help but be emotional, and I'm trying to give myself the same permission to be human that I try to give to others. It's okay not to make sense all the time. It's okay to hurt. It's okay to say, "THIS IS HARD." It's okay to be open and genuine about stuff instead of pretending everything is JUST FINE THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Everything isn't fine. I can see how it WILL be. But I'm sore and I can't pick up my children. I'm frustrated and I can't cook or clean or do a lot of the other things I do to show my family how much I love them. I'm sad whenever I think about babies, even though I got to have four gorgeous ones (and am barely keeping it together with the ones I have - never mind more ;) ).

But happiness isn't dependent on everything being fine. Isn't that amazing? I'm happy right now. I'm loving and being loved. I'm catching up on my reading. I'm cuddling lots. And all the not-fine stuff kind of fades into the background.

That's the great thing about having "all the feels." You get to pick which ones to focus on.



16 comments:

  1. I love you, my sweet friend. All those feels are part of sorting out the aftermath of a major life event. I, too, will not have any more children due to health issues, and that was something that was difficult to process. You will have a little ache, likely for a long time, but it will be all right and turn into something manageable.

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  2. Great post, Kim. I've had similar experiences to have All The Feels, and I love how you expressed it. Get better soon. Love you.

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  3. Not to mention the hormonal roller coaster your body is experiencing, you sweet, brave woman! It'll settle down in time. Rest while you can, so that your body will heal properly. You have a big year ahead of you! xoxox

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  4. I fully give you "permission to be human. It's okay not to make sense all the time. It's okay to hurt. It's okay to say, 'THIS IS HARD.' It's okay to be open and genuine about stuff instead of pretending everything is JUST FINE."

    I love you, dear friend. With all the feels.

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  5. Feel better soon! It takes time, rest and try not to push yourself too much.

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  6. I wish I was there to do your dishes, vacuum your floors and make you laugh and then feel guilty for making you laugh since you shouldn't laugh since laughing hurts . . . Okay, maybe just dishes and floors. Love you!

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  7. You're such a brave, funny, sweet soul. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it, and you'll get better faster.

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  8. "Happiness isn't dependent on everything being fine." This is SO beautiful, Kim. I love you for acknowledging the hard, but that the hard doesn't make it bad or wrong. Praying for quick healing for you.

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  9. You are a beautiful lady, inside and out. I am so blessed to be your friend. Heal quickly and well.

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  10. Lovely post. I needed this today. Some days {and some weeks and some months} life just kind of sucks. A lot.

    This really resonated with me, "So I have ALL THE FEELS right now. Some of them bright and vivid, churning across the surface of my thoughts. Some of them hidden, lurking, waiting to pounce. It can't help but be emotional, and I'm trying to give myself the same permission to be human that I try to give to others. It's okay not to make sense all the time. It's okay to hurt. It's okay to say, "THIS IS HARD." It's okay to be open and genuine about stuff instead of pretending everything is JUST FINE THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

    Sending many hugs your way! Thank you for sharing your journey of faith and love and feels.

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  11. Oh Hon, I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. it took a few years after my hysterectomy to be able to be around babies. I couldn't even be happy for pregnant friends because it hurt. not that I wasn't happy for them, it just crushed me. anyways, if you want to talk, I'm here.

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  12. "But happiness isn't dependent on everything being fine. Isn't that amazing?"

    A reminder I needed today. Wise words. Get well soon. :)

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  13. letting go of that dream is hard . . . you know I know that . . . but at the same time, letting go also leaves your hands open for what God has in mind for you next . . . which will be as wonderful and amazing as that dream was . . . I'm so glad you understand that being happy isn't dependent on everything being 'fine' . . . I wish I had learned that lesson earlier on in my own life!
    sure do love you and am always praying for you, sweetie! ♥

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  14. Love you, Kim. Love ALL of you.

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  15. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is sometimes all that was have but at least it is there. You have a great attitude about everything! *hugs*

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  16. my goodness to I ever adore you. I'm sending you great, massive cyber hugs. holding you while your pour through all those emotions. I've been thinking about you so much these past few weeks. thinking about how deep and multifaceted this time is for you, joy and grief intermingled. I would love to come by next week and cook you food and occupy your littles and do a load of laundry or 2, and talk.. laugh and cry. what ever you need. love you! xoxo

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