I've had a lot of space and time to feel things lately. First the days in the hospital, then the days at home on the couch. Major su...
All the Feels
I've had a lot of space and time to feel things lately. First the days in the hospital, then the days at home on the couch. Major surgery kinda sucks. But even worse is the after time, when all you can do is lie there and try to keep your mind busy in ways that don't make you miserable. But my mind hasn't had time to be miserable yet. Because there have been emails and facebook messages and tweets and texts, full of concern and how-are-yous and what-can-I-do's.
I'm kind of scared that on the other side of feeling SO DANG LOVED, there's sorrow and what-have-I-done? waiting for me. And I tell myself it had to be this way. My body was broken and I had to let my baby-making years go. The surgeon said things were even worse than she'd thought, that it was no wonder I'd been hurting so much. Which was lovely and validating but also sad. Things are going to be better now. Less pain. More function. More life and more happy.
But also sad. For a while anyway. Because losing something is always hard, even if losing it is the best thing ever.
So I have ALL THE FEELS right now. Some of them bright and vivid, churning across the surface of my thoughts. Some of them hidden, lurking, waiting to pounce. It can't help but be emotional, and I'm trying to give myself the same permission to be human that I try to give to others. It's okay not to make sense all the time. It's okay to hurt. It's okay to say, "THIS IS HARD." It's okay to be open and genuine about stuff instead of pretending everything is JUST FINE THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Everything isn't fine. I can see how it WILL be. But I'm sore and I can't pick up my children. I'm frustrated and I can't cook or clean or do a lot of the other things I do to show my family how much I love them. I'm sad whenever I think about babies, even though I got to have four gorgeous ones (and am barely keeping it together with the ones I have - never mind more ;) ).
But happiness isn't dependent on everything being fine. Isn't that amazing? I'm happy right now. I'm loving and being loved. I'm catching up on my reading. I'm cuddling lots. And all the not-fine stuff kind of fades into the background.
That's the great thing about having "all the feels." You get to pick which ones to focus on.
About author: Kimberly VanderHorst
Kimberly Vanderhorst wrote her first book when she was seven (it was totally awesome, but the world isn't ready for it yet), and her next when she was twenty-seven. When asked to account for the intervening decades, she likes to suggest the possibility of alien abduction with as straight a face as possible.